Just received over the fax:
In addition to our earlier communique regarding special riders for Mr. Jim Dees's appearance at your venue on 10-10-08, i.e. Advil, fresh fruit and clean syringes, et al., please add the following:
- Sewer sweep
completed no later than 0-600.
- All sales of diet tonic water suspended.
- Crowd searched for tassled loafers — wearer immediately Tasered after event.
- All current (and former) Rebelettes (cutfoff year: 1938) required close body search (handled personally by author)
- PA system must have volume reaching "11."
- Agent Nick Hewlett (aka "Wheels") on hand three (3) hours before event to taste-test author's gin, catfish, and anything else that might reasonably be assumed to come into contact with the author's mouth. (Note: This is a broader category than one might think.)
- 5 PM - 7PM Alluvian Hotel remains under Code Green Alert: (Hold the lime).
That is it and that is all. Be Vigilant and Be Safe Gentlemen, the Enemy never Sleeps!
Col. Horace T. Whiplash,
Dir. of Author Security, Jefferson Press
P.S. Burn after reading.